Gas

I had an interesting morning.
I went to Taco Bell
and ordered a couple breakfast burritos.
I wasn't really hungry.
I just wanted to go to the last place in L.A.
where you could get gas for under three bucks.
- Jay Leno

What Leno was referring to for under three bucks
was gasoline, of course.
But cars can also be run on natural gas.

Has Leno just solved our energy problem
without even knowing it?

What our society needs
is a system of fart collecting tanks.

In our home,
we'd have a large holding tank with a check-valve
and we'd rush there when we'd feel a big fart coming on.
The hose we'd do it in
would have a nice, soft rubber donut on the end
to press up against your rear while you "do it".

On the go?
We'd have portable tanks.
Maybe even ones that are camouflaged into our clothing.
Or strap onto our bodies under our clothing.
In either case, the same kind of hose/rubber donut setup
would be strapped around our hips
while we go about our daily affairs.

No more offensive odors in public.
It would all be stored.
No waste!

And why stop here?
On the farm,
farmers could have this same system
strapped on cows, horses and other large mammals.
A farmhand could go around and collect all of it
at the end of each day.

A typical fart doesn't have all methane in it?
Perhaps, but that problem could probably be solved.
I'm sure there's certain kinds of foods a person could eat
that would produce
the maximum amount of methane possible.
And chances are, that food would be good for you.
I've always heard that food that produces gas
is healthiest food a person can eat.

The biggest drawbacks?

If you're shot...even by accident,
the chances of your survival are minimal
if the bullet even slightly pierced your intestine
(let alone your portable holding tank).
A hot bullet,
or one that somehow produced even the slightest spark
would cause you to explode.

Uh-oh....
I hope I didn't give suicide bombers any ideas.

Another drawback to this proposal is that -
considering the number of exploding people would rise -
funeral directors would lose business.
Or at least casket manufacturers would.
There wouldn't be very much left of an exploding person.
They'd pretty much be buried in a hatbox.
Or cremated.

Yet another drawback would be
that the price of food
that produces methane in huge amounts
would skyrocket, at least initially.
Unfortunately, our government
has probably just participated in a big trade agreement
with another country,
giving them thousands of tons of supplies
to grow these foods.
I suppose when the time comes
to initiate this gas program,
that country will then be under the control
of an evil dictator,
who will jack prices way up
or threaten to cut off all supplies to us.
We'll say he has Weapons of Mass Destruction,
and invade.
That seems to be the way it goes these days.

And last, but not least...
the final drawback?

Beano would go out of business.